Have you ever had one of those nights when your body was tired but your brain barreled ahead at 100 mph? On these nights you can veg out or reflect on your life so far....
Tonight is my night for reflection. Tonight is the night I wonder if my kids are going to be the great people I know they are when they are on their own.
I look at my oldest so damned smart its frightening, and I see that she's an oddball and although she wants to be herself, worried if its okay to be herself. I'm glad that although I see her struggle with what others want from her shes true to herself, quirks and all.
My youngest is very smart as well, but a totally different being than the oldest. She reads day and night, loves gadgets and very quiet. She also struggles, but her's is more of a struggle to be seen as a person rather than a girl in a wheelchair or with walking braces. I heard her once talking to her sister about when she's old enough to get married, will a man want a girl that can't walk? This was a question from an eleven year old.
I forget how fragile young beings can be. Not only their bodies but their hearts and spirits. What they find important may not be what we as adults find important, but think back when you were 12, what was in your mind and heart ,what were your worries?
So when I gaze at them when they are sleeping and I see the soft foreheads that bring to life them as infants, I wonder what I thought about when they were newborns, did I even think about when they were teenagers? No, I don't recall that. But I do recall wanting them to be happy and too feel loved and to be open, caring, giving people. Never had visions of them older, still don't.
In my reflecting and making an outline of my hopes for them, I remember a few years ago when the youngest was in public school, she would come home starving, although I had packed a lunch for her everyday. After months of her rushing home and gobbling up food I finally asked why she was so hungry. She looked at me had tears in her eyes and said " Mama please don't be mad, but I'm not eating my lunch."
Well the lunch kit was empty daily, so I asked where the food had gone, did she throw it away? She then said that a friend of hers a school never had anything to eat, no school lunch, no packed lunch, nothing. So at first Amy was sharing her lunch but the friend would gobble her half up before Amy was done with her half so pretty soon Amy would just give it all to her. Finally Amy asked her friend why she was so hungry all the time and was told the dad had lost his job and there was no food and he wouldn't let the mom go apply for assistance (or food dollars as the girl called them) because they weren't "trash".
So Amy happily gave her lunch to her friend everyday for months knowing that that meal was the only meal the friend would have that day.
I told Amy after learning of this that we would pack two lunches in one box for the two of them from now on. I asked why she didn't tell me because two lunches would have been pack long before, she said she promised she wouldn't tell. Simple. A promise kept for sake of friendship, a promise told for sake of a friend.
Having remembered that story from two years ago I have no doubts who these little people I am so fortunate to share my life with will be.... they may never be rich ,they may never see the world.... but they are going to be just who they are now, giving, loving and open people.
